Maybe Things Aren’t As Grim As It Looks

More & more I believe its my broken bed that has injured my lower back,hips,& knees. I am almost certain depression,anxiety,fear,stress,& worry are the cause of the rest of my pains & sicknesses. Let me not overlook this severely deteriorated old house…not fit for dogs & cats to live in.

Last night my husband collapsed & had to be taken to ER. It was nothing serious,but gave me important stuff to thing about…like…how am I going to take care of & provide for my 2 sons me if my husband dies? I am handicapped & can’t work. My sons are still working on their educations. I don’t know how to make money or how to get rich. We have no assets other than our cars…we need those. All we have is a small amount of money in the bank. I am lost & confused.

When my husband was collapsed on the floor,we thought he was dead. It wasn’t sadness I felt…it was shock & fear. Soon after I started wondering how I was going to take care of & provide for my sons & me. I never did feel any sadness.

 

In Some Ways There’s improvement

I no longer worry myself crazy over my son running wild with those clowns. He’s with em everyday. I gave up & now I am enjoying my hobbies & projects,while my son is living it up with those losers. I figure he’s safe & staying out of trouble & staying in the neighborhood. He checks in & I can usually contact him via Facebook chat when I need to.

Its getting towards impossible for me to walk or even stand. The pains in my lower back,hips,& knees is unbearable. My arms are weak & hurt…headaches,earaches…always sleepy…belly so bloated I look to be 9 months pregnant.

I am journaling again…working on my relationship with God…or lack of one.

Feeling Lower Than A Grain Of Sand

Checked my kin folks Facebook pages…concluded,me & my family are so low its pathetic & deeply depressing. I want to dig a hole & bury myself. I am crushed by guilt & shame. All the kin folks & family have terrific houses,fantastic cars,high paying jobs,rewarding careers,nice clothes,lots of money,fun & adventure,& cool friends. Most of all they have love,caring,sharing,peace,harmony…close-knit families…decent & respectable.

Me & my family are dirt poor. We live in an old rental shack. All 4 of our cars are old. We eat food you wouldn’t feed to your dog. We don’t have a stove nor a washer & dryer. All our furniture is old & broken. We sleep on broken beds. My clothes came from the Good-Will Store. We argue over money daily. My 2 sons & me are hermits. We scrounge for change to go to the store for snacks. We aren’t allowed to have medical care. My health is severely deteriorated. This old shack is dangerous…the city wants to condemn it. My husband’s credit & mine is pitiful. Other than our cars…we have no assets. We have a small amount of money in the bank for emergencies.

Enough wallowing in negativity.

I Wanna Live!

Woke up this morning fearing for my life. My hips,lower back,& knees hurt unbearably…my belly is swollen & bloated…blurred vision…teeth & ear aches…weak…100 pounds overweight…handicapped…a cripple…always sleepy…binge on beer nightly…difficulty breathing…stressed,depressed,extreme worrying,fears,phobias,extreme negativity…my heart pounds & races…can’t sleep at night…stiff & stove up…never ever feel good…leg cramps,cramps in my ribs…poor balance…dammit,I’m only 51. I’m not ready to die! I wanna live!

Interesting Evening

2 of the teens my son hangs out with are now homeless. Their family kicked them out. Nobody wants them. Its understandable…1 of em is a drug addict…both are free-loaders. I don’t feel sorry for those teens at all. They are now out in the brutal cold searching for someone to take em in,but nobody wants em.

I didn’t feel like blogging yesterday. My son stayed home most of yesterday. I think he’s beginning to see just how bad those teens are he hangs with. The past week has been teenage drama & my son hates that. He’s 17…will be 18 the 1st of September. He’ll be a man in 7 months. I am proud of both of my sons.

Talked To Mom This Evening

She’s going through a hard time with my youngest sister…& I am going through hell with my youngest son. Hers’ is deep fear & mine seems to be rage. We both have the fear & insecurity. We are both hurting & confused. We couldn’t help ease each others’ suffering.  I think maybe we are hurting even more deeply.

After a lengthy prayer this morning I knew my situation with my son & those assholes is far deeper & far more serious than I had thought.  I’ve been in tears all day. My heart is broken. I find myself staring at a bottle of nerve pills & wondering if death would be better,but then I think of my sons & know…death is not an option. I must live for them. They are my heart.

My Son Is With Those Creatures Tonight

I hate those assholes to no end. Bret is spending this night with those losers. I want to scream & sob! He’s to good for them! 1 of those demons was in my house earlier. I laid down the law! I hate that freak & all the other freaks. I want em gone forever & always! Prayer & curses have not worked. There’s no getting rid of those animals.

My son doesn’t know the depth of my hurt…the tears,depression,fears,& stress. I find myself suicidal. I long for revenge. Why won’t those bastards go away forever & always? I am grieved beyond what I can endure. I am bloated with rage,swollen with hate,starved for revenge.