Tossed & Turned All Damn Night

Thank God my thinking cap didn’t turn on. Although I was awake I was having a weird dream. This morning a ghost laying next to me was farting loud. We have ghosts in this old house. I’ve seen them…they are solid. I am up & about & smelling coffee…we don’t drink coffee. Sometimes I smell hairspray & motor oil. These ghost seem harmless.

Yesterday the old man mad me so mad. We had a box of McDonalds food…there was 2 boxes of chicken nuggets,2 boxes of fries,& 2 Big Macs. I wanted a Big Mac & couldn’t wait to get home to eat 1. We got home…& that old bastard took & ate both Big Mac’s. I had 1 of em & he took it from me. I had to eat chicken nuggets & stale fries. All week I had dreamed of getting a big burger to eat. Selfish old bastard. All the way home I was thinking about that big mac & how delicious it would be. Before I could even begin to eat it…the old bastard took it. He ate 1 for lunch & the other 1 for dinner. I had nothing to eat for dinner,cepts for chicken salad with crackers.

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A Fresh Claim On My Dream Car

I claim you…you are mine.

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Its A Lazy,Boring Friday

I spotted a BMW 650i today. That’s been my dream car since…well…for many years.


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It Could’ve Been Worse

To think about it makes me cringe & ignites terrible feelings & thoughts. Had it not been for the old man I’d still being living with my parents. Yes,he’s abusive…so was my Dad. Its chilling…what if I were still living with my parents? My son Bret would’ve never existed. I’d still be dreaming about freedom &  independence. I’d still be chasing impossible dreams. Thinking about it is painfully disturbing…living with my parents & I’m 51. No,I would never ever go back to living with my parents. I was 29 or 30 when I finally got my own place to live. My Dad & me fought everyday.  My Mom & me had many spats about my big dreams.

I didn’t love my husband. I used him to get my own apartment. I did what I had to do. 30 & living with your parents is unthinkable. By that age I could no longer be choosy. We got us a real nice apartment. I  don’t regret that. It would’ve been a horror had I chose to continue living with my parents.  I hated living with my parents. I wanted to be normal & have the things normal people have.  I was ashamed & felt like a freak. I believed I was cursed. I knew my Dad didn’t want me & was ashamed of me. I disgraced the family.  I was a burden.

I was the oldest child & the only 1 still living with my parents. My 2 younger sisters had married & moved out on their own. I’d cower in a corner in my bedroom while my sisters visited. I didn’t want to face what I’d never have.

I fought hard for my freedom & was 29 or 30 by time I finally received it. I’ve paid a hefty price for that freedom…17 years of abuse,poverty,& neglect.



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My Confusion

I must’ve took a dozen tests & all of them concluded I am best suited to be a writer…I am creative,inspiring,& could be a teacher. I looked at a picture of a room crowded with books & I felt at home,cozy,comfy. In my bedroom I am surrounded by books & journals.

In 1 test I was surprised when I chose creativity over money. Again I am reminded…I am an Earth Angel. I won’t get into that at this time. I’ve always loved books & loved to read & write. I love to create,imagine,play,have fun,& laugh.

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Are We Forever Stuck

My family & me have been in this ridiculous situation for years. Going on 18 years of poverty & abuse. Over 13 years in hell hole TN.  We are stuck hard & solid. I could say that God hates us & refuses to help us. I could blame the old man & any of my other enemies. I could maintain I am cursed & money cleverly eludes me. I could blame negativity & false beliefs. I could believe I have lessons I need to learn or more growing to do. I could study,research,& analyze until my mind explodes.

My damn lappy is being a bitch,like my situation…a bitch. Staying stuck for years is NOT normal.



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When God Forgives You

I must’ve been 16 when my Mom introduced me to God.  She gave me a bible & a Catholic book. I confessed my sons,asked for forgiveness,accepted Jesus,& asked to be filled with the Holy Spirit. It was a powerful & beautiful experience. I’m not here to preach,but I received some wonderful gifts that night,including a fresh clean new slate.


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