so then…God wants me to learn something? Like…What? How to endure abuse,neglect,poverty,suffering,misery,sickness,& pain? What…how to be a loser & failure…how to survive living in a dangerous house? I am in hell…what am I supposed learn? Or is this punishment for my wrong choices & multiple sins? Am I in this hell to learn & grow or to be strengthened? Could this be boot camp for whatever it is God wants me to be & do? Am I being prepared for something? So many questions & no answers. Maybe the answers aren’t as important as some people believe they are. Maybe the answers don’t matter at all. If God has something to teach me He will point out the book I need to study,like He always has done for me. I am not up to the challenge of searching & analyzing. Point out the ideal book matched to my needs…containing what I need to know…& I will study & use what I learn. Oh,but this has been done before & here I am…still in hell.
Its so much worse…so dark…I find I am sometimes suicidal…not that I want to die,but I want out of this hell I am in. I need something new & different. I need changes…transformation.
I can’t sleep at night…toss,turn,thoughts racing everywhere. I finally pulled myself out of bed & wrote a long letter to God about the hell in which I have been living the past 13 years. Strange…I found a bunch of change on my bed…no idea where it come from. God knows its rare for me to have money. As for that long letter…its not the first & I’m sure it won’t be the last. I know God hears me & knows everything that’s going on. I know too…He can make a way of escape…a way out. Why so slow? What is He waiting for? I don’t care about the damn lessons. I want to move my sons & me back to Florida. I am sick & tired of waiting. Is death the only way out? Of course it isn’t…or doesn’t have to be. All God has to do is speak & the door to freedom will open.
The last shit I care to do is search for answers. I can’t find the lessons & could care less about them. Let it be enough that maybe I’ve been strengthened & have grown within these 13 years in hell. Open the damn door & let my sons & me move back to Florida. Enough is enough. Have mercy already,damn.
HE can do the impossible & make a way where there is none…nothing is to difficult for Him. Maybe I looked & searched in all the wrong places & knocked on all the wrong doors. Maybe its time to turn to God & see what He can do,cuz all else has failed.
We arrived home & the house was heavily infested with flies. My husband’s nephew,Kent died. I fell & busted my knees & elbows. Tonight I sliced open a finger on a sharp lid. My son,Bret,has been running the streets with hillbillies & hoes. The old man cussed me out cuz I am having a terrible night. No wonder I am feeling suicidal.
I am starting with prayer. I am going to build a massive Prayer Army to move God into action to make a way for my family to move back to Florida. We need $10,000,000.00 USD. That’s enough to build a safe,secure,comfy,pleasant,enjoyable haven in Florida,where we can live free & independent,safe & protected,content & happy…& can have all the wonderful things we desire.
Its another depressing,gloomy night…Bret is running the neighborhood with pot smoking hillbillies & sluts. Those fools won’t go away & stay away. They continue causing trouble every evening. I am a nervous wreck. I feel like I am smothering…& I want to cry. I feel trapped,cornered…helpless,hopeless…